Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
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Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Lmao 🤣
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Acronyms got me like WTF?