Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
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“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.