Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
iPhone X
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up