Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
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me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
grotesque if literal: baby food
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro