I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
You Might Also Like
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.