5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
You Might Also Like
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Breaking news:
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable