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* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips