The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
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A game married people play.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Pot warmers of the day.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]