[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
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Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Ah..makes sense now
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.