My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
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We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My dad.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”