me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés