Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
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Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working