When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what