“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
2 years later
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Cat is stressing him out.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.