I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
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Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
SF is the wild wild west man
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Yes
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with