My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.