[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
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WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.