Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!