It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible