Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
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We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Mummies are just super modest zombies
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s