I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Where is your GOD now????
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?