You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
when nothing goes right… go left
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 馃槉
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won鈥檛 even be any follow-up questions.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor鈥檚 yard.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes馃槖馃槖.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I鈥檝e not had sex in 6 months
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor鈥檚 Christmas lights that鈥檒l stay up til June
Australia鈥檚 reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.