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Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
This story is comedy gold 😂
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.