On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
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How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Festive toon…
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.