Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
This squirrel eats better than I do
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth