I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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humans only use 10% of their treadmills
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
They got Raph!
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Gemma Correll
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Seems a bit forward
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.