Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.