*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
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Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no