my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.