me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
You Might Also Like
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.