[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT