A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
new career option?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog