experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
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I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.