Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
You Might Also Like
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
A classic…
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Cat.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me