*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
You Might Also Like
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
it was a valiant fight
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Wednesday
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.