[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.