Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
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*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.