[at the general store]
me: one general please
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These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away