Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
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here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Yes, this is exactly right
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.