Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
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Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin