Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling