Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
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mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?