if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair