Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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this is me
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.