I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
You Might Also Like
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider