I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
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It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
british sex workers really pound for pound
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
You can’t rush stupid.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.