Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.