COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
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Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second