I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Start the year as you intend to continue.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
This was the best day of my life
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!