Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
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You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Happy thanksgiving
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?